Harry Turner 0:03
Welcome to Is that so during the offseason, you're about to listen to a three part series with Nicole Sublette called how to attract your soulmate and the love you deserve. Enjoy. This whole 3 part series, it's about how to attract your soulmate. And the love you deserve. You know, and that makes this assumption in that title with attracting the love, you deserve this, this concept of deserving this, I guess exploring that, and understanding this concept of deserving as is also important, because many of us set the bar way too low for ourselves, you know. And then we, when we, when we go through situations, especially challenging ones, we tend to judge ourselves based off of these situations, which is not the act of love at all. You know, love does not judge the way that we judge ourselves. But in our addiction to being perfect is what I'll say, this addiction to be in perfect imperfection is no more than merely the belief that we got to change something about ourselves in order to belong. This illusion of perfection that many of us fall into, and all of us at some point fall into, it leads us down this path of being extremely judgmental, and shaming ourselves and then convincing ourselves forming beliefs around those. Those are some of these underlying beliefs about ourselves formed beliefs that gives us permission to hide from life. And to make permissions to not go out there and risk at all when it pertains to love. And as it pertains to love. But I'll say my, I believe from my perspective is that love gives nothing but itself and it seeks nothing but more of itself. That's the only gift Love is the only acceptable gift to love. So to attract love in your life, it's important that you look at your energetic alignment, and you look at your aura in your ask yourself, Am I embodying that energy of love. And we can again, we can go into the philosophical debate of what is love, but love is so many different things. But ultimately, the way that I see love is is the connective tissue that connects all of us every last soul. And a chain is only as strong as its weakest link. That is true. When I look at this chain, called, you know this this human species as human race, when I look at this chain, and I think about supposedly weak links, love tells me to look at those links and see opportunities for me to assist myself by lifting up the other, you know, and I don't want to go too far into my own philosophical beliefs on love. But operating from the premise that love connects, we can ask ourselves, are we being loving to ourselves? And are we truly seeking love? By understanding that it's our inner world that's real, as opposed to the outer world? And Nicole, jump in, please jump in at any point in time.
Nicole Sublette 3:10
Yeah, sure. And I think when we're looking at love, there's a is really distinguishing between love, and fear. Because oftentimes, when we're in love, or loving relationships, we often tend to place a series of expectations, we tend to place a series of outcomes and desires as to what we want, how we want the other person to be how we want the other person to show up. And then when that doesn't work out, that way, we then name it as unloving. But instead, we're just really operating out of a place of fear, because we have expectations that we feel aren't being met. And sometimes what it is, is that instead of putting the expectation on other is it's actually a calling to say what what is it that I need? What is it within myself that actually needs to be nourished, because we as humans were, are fallible, we're in perfect. And we tend to believe that someone is our counterpart or whole and that you know, if we have them, and we can make them do what we want then it is the story is the fairy tale happy ending that we desire, but in reality is not the other and reality. It's the emotion. It's the experience that we want and it actually is very rarely reliant on other but it actually is is that we're trying to cultivate is an experience of inner standing and experience something that we want within ourselves. And so oftentimes when we say, oh, I want this person and I want them to love me and I want to be in a relationship with them. It's not the other is actually we want to be in a relationship we want to actually have and feel the experience of love. And oftentimes, we can create and cultivate that experience in ourselves. Like you were saying, Harry, we can actually create the experience of love and then actually recognize that love is limitless, and it's not limited to I idealisms, or conditions, it's not limited to that at all. It's actually a state of being, it's a state of living and its a state of breathing,
Harry Turner 5:32
I'm right there with you on that one. The state of being and all love it, and again, this is my my belief, our love, be it romantic, or otherwise, all love is unconditional. Any true love is unconditional in that it has no conditions. Love places no conditions on us, we don't have to be a certain kind of way, you know, to to be deserving of love, you know, love is and it accepts us as is the issue is that we don't accept us as is because we were sent many messages of being unacceptable to others. So how do you raise that vibration? You know, on this on this part three, this last part of the series? How do you raise that vibration and create loving vibrations? How do you raise that frequency? You know, and so imagine visualization being one of the most powerful tools, and I have many references to go to but this time, I'll reference actually, a grief book, a book focused on helping people to heal from their grief called Love is greater than pain. And it says, you know, just visualize this and feel this for a moment. A raised vibration is that tingling feeling when we hear a newborn baby cry, the silent awe we experience when we see a beautiful sunrise or sunset, the wave of emotion we feel when we witness an act of loving kindness or pure generosity, the awakening we experience as you watch children discover the glory of the world around them the bliss calm we feel when we take the time to meditate, or simply to focus on our breath, the peace that permeates us, when we are at one with nature, when we listen to the ocean, or a forest, hushed orchestra, the inclusive joy in expansion we experienced when participating in and appreciating the arts, that incredible wave that comes when we know, just know that alone with our everyday life, we are experiencing something more we can feel it in real time. a loved one who has passed has given us a hug. Maybe they are drawing our attention to something that will comfort us a song a bird a good luck penny. Raised vibration, when one becomes aware of experiencing it is often accompanied by a cheer accompanied by a chill, or goosebumps. That's how intense that vibration is. And you stay there. You stay in that vibration, just the visualization and the feeling of what it is.
Harry Turner 9:05
That, what I just read, if you were in tune and present with it, it induced these really loving and comforting emotions I'm sure as it is designed to. The longer that you stare into that space, the longer that you stand in that room of higher vibrations, the more that you are refueling in energetically aligning your energetic field your aura to that vibration of love. Because whatever we stare at becomes a reality because perception is reality. So how long can we keep the perceptive lens of love? How long can we stay looking through that lens? The longer that we stay there, the more that we refuel and energize our aura to that vibration. And then that which we energize ourselves with, we attract that's when that that karmic, we're allowing ourselves leveraging that, that universal law of cause and effect of karma, that's when that comes into play. And now you see other people coming into your life. Because now you've decided to begin to love yourself and accept yourself and begin to experience the fullness and completeness of your own authenticity, the enjoyment of your own space, occupying your space and being present in that space. Other people, that attracts other people then becomes a gravitational force other people to come along and see what the business is about, what is the buzz about? Why is this person so content and fulfilled with life when so many other people are practicing being miserable throughout life? What is it about this person? and then that's when that collision happened and the task at that point then, I find just to give you a little cliff notes, it's not about going this far, but the task for me, I find is remaining in that space in that vibrational field, because it's no more than a choice for us to lower that frequency. But that's why a life of authenticity is a life of skillfully practicing living through your values. Because it's a skill to say, Oh, I'm in this space, let me go and raise my vibration by thinking about the tingling feeling when when I hear a newborn baby cry, or the silent all we experienced when we see a beautiful sunrise or sunset, nobody thinks about that when they're pissed off, no one thinks about that when they have in disagreements, or misinterpreting or not seeing eye to eye with the other. And so that's where the skill must come into play. Because we must, we must break ourselves out of that illusion, we got to snap ourselves out of that dream like trance of projecting on to the other. And really seeing that it's something that we need a need that we are seeking that is going unmet. And understand when even the words that we use, we use our words against ourselves, when we say I want a thing, again, the definition of want, implies lack. So then that sends out the energy of lack, we can't have what we want. Because, indeed, what we're saying is, I lack and we send that out, but you can experience what you choose, and intentionally respond to people have a lot of wants, and people die with a lot of wants, unfortunately, but those that that really truly experienced the fullness of life, there are in a constant state of being present and choosing. And then in that present state seeing whats true for them, then if they like that experiment, so they enjoy it, if it's true for them, if they're fulfilled by it, they can stay there a little longer, or they can choose another experience, but it's a choice. Never forget that you have your own autonomy. And again, I'm not giving any therapeutic advice here. But cognitive flexibility, that's a sign of health, the ability to look at various options and to switch up your style, as it were, and to adjust to your environment. So if your internal environment it is such that it's filled with negative self talk that it is filled with, with cognitive distortions of jumping to conclusions of over generalization of catastrophizing, everything, you know, of seeing black and white, all or nothing thinking, when you begin to identify these, these mechanisms that the inner critic use, to keep us safe, by tricking us to believe that the enemy is outside of us, as opposed to dealing with these fears that we have on the inside, we begin to understand that that awareness is key - key to being liberated from our own biological built in defense mechanism of deception. Deception is truly a defense mechanism. We needed that to to escape enemies and predators. Unfortunately, when we don't understand these things, these things control us. And so then we deceive ourselves and we can end up living a lie, we could spend our entire life living a lie, using our minds ability to deceive, to deceive our very selves and the worst lie you can tell is a lie to yourself. And so how do we raise these loving vibrations, you develop the skill of being aware of where you lay your awareness. Where are you placing your attention? you know, what's important to you, what really represents your values? And when it comes down to love and relationships, this is the reason why sex is is is it was meant to be as enjoyable as it is. Because sex is the one physical act that we can do. That brings us as close as possible to oneness to oneness, that physical act, it brings us closest to oneness and that oneness, that that, that if it's a pleasurable experience, that orgasmic experience that you have, that's what home feels like. And that's why we enjoy it and seek it out so much, you know, but, Nicole, please, I can continue on, but I definitely want to get you in. You know, I've been running it for a minute, please.
Nicole Sublette 13:59
I think when we're talking about that, and Harry, thank you for that reading. It was really quite beautiful. And we're talking about, you know, having different internal states and, you know, being in resonance with the energy of love. And I think it's actually reminds me of a story. You know, I was working with a client and my client and their fiancee we're talking about well then was not fiance but they were talking about the idea of becoming engaged in the idea of becoming married, and my clients shared with me that their partner said that their partner did not want to become engaged at the time because she did not love herself enough. And I thought that was the most beautiful thing that this woman had recognized. She was not ready to be engaged because she realized she did not recognize herself enough and she knew that without that self love she would to only be able to contribute in a limited capacity to the relationship and, you know, bring in a lot of her unhealed baggage, and a lot of her unhealed internal wounding, into the relationship. And so she actually wanted to work on herself more before making the commitment. So she could show up as a, as a more healed version of herself. And it's hard to show up for someone else, when you don't know how to show up for yourself. And then we can ask ourselves, How can we give of ourselves when we eternally don't think that we're anything worth giving? And how can we extend our light if we actually really believe that there's no light within ourselves? And so I think it's important to look at our wounding, looking at where we're showing up and not looking at our wounding as a way to beat ourselves up or compare or to be less than, but as a way as to being whole, as a way to be incomplete. And so we're once again in that frequency, and that energy of being loving because if we don't do that, then sometimes what we do is that, once again, we show up in our relationship with all our wounding and our triggers. And then we automatically put that wounding and our triggers on our partner to do that work for us, and when our partner if they decide to capitulate, or show up a certain way, so we're not triggered, then we've never actually done the work. And we've put it on our partner, which puts us into this cycle of codependency, because we're relying on someone else to prevent us from actually feeling our pain or wounding, and our triggers. And so it's really important that we are practicing being accountable for how we show up and being accountable for who we are without necessarily pointing the fingers on other. And sometimes it's also practicing surrender. And if we feel like we can't do that for ourselves, is maybe surrendering to our higher beliefs and surrendering to our higher purpose, and to be into surrendering to become more open channels, for flow. And in love, and also working on when we're working on love is practicing seeing the innocence in ourselves, practicing seeing the grace within ourselves, and that way we can see the innocence and Grace within other people. And so when we have a partner, and they just show up as who they are, we allow them that innocence and grace because we've allowed ourselves that innocence and grace. And then that concrete a beautiful relationship or two people are practicing healing themselves, and practicing their own sovereignty and autonomy, and then they can show up to create wholeness in a relationship together.
Harry Turner 14:05
Nicole, I'm gonna toss right back to you, I just want to just add something if I can borrow for 60 seconds and say, You know what it is one of the quotes that I that I'm looking at it says someone who is able to fully let in love is "someone who is willing to live in the mystery of who they are" jumping on what it is that you said and backing up what you said, you know, in the end, one of the other books that I refer to, and I've read myself many times the Self Acceptance Project is the title of the book, How To Be kind and compassionate towards yourself in any situation. And you know, I was, as Nicole was talking and again, I told you I'll share those insights that leave you what have you walked away from this place with your head shave and its sharp but as she was talking and it reminded me of the chapter seven in the book, when I read which is curiosity is key. And it says, we often write about a concept that we've developed called Zero negativity or ZN relationships. When one decides to go ZN zero negativity, they relinquish all transactions that quote unquote put down their partner. Examples include rolling your eyes frown and saying Where did that come from in a pejorative Matome. All of these interactions devalue or make another person bad in some way ZN or zero negativity includes surrendering negative references to oneself also, ZN is both implicit and explicit in most of the spiritual practices and traditions in the world. Simply sitting in meditation and watching our thoughts arise in learning to release them without judgment, letting them go. That's a part of moving toward a relational zero negativity. It's about being in a relationship to the self and zero negativity. So these these the judging mind, you know, the same the same book I reference and I've taught my clients about the difference between the emotional mind the logic mind and the wise mind states of being as concepts, and the emotional mind is In a quote when when our thinking and behavior are driven by our emotions in the moment, and they say the polar opposite of that is a logical mind in which it is a purely rational state that gives absolutely no consideration to the emotional aspect of how we feel about something. And then there is the wise mind which is the sense of synthesis of both the emotional mind and logic mind. It is a state of mind where you have a logical perspective but can also acknowledge and appreciate the emotional aspects of a situation. With the wise mind, we can get back to that wise mind or endorse and regulate both parts of us, all parts of us, by using grounding practices like mindfulness, awareness practices, emotional regulation. You know, one of the practices I'll use when I'm thinking of unhelpful or unhealthy thoughts is the process of RAIN which Dr. Tara Brock I learned from Dr. Tara Brock and her her method is a little bit different with the N but I was going through it real quick our represents recognize that you have an emotion a accept the emotion without judgment, radical acceptance is needed in that space. And you have to understand that skill of non judgment and radically accepting yourself. So R is recognize that you're having an uncomfortable challenging emotion A is accept it. without judgment, the eye represents investigate with curiosity, that curiosity is key, that Curiosity will lead you to your true so I is investigate with curiosity and in as Dr. Tara Brock put it is to nurture introduce self compassion, other practitioners and healers, they'll say the N represents to not identify myself, the way that I remember it is I'll go through the process of ra i and when I get to end my n is never mind that because once I recognize that I'm thinking about something that does not represent my truth. At this point, I practice cognitive diffusion exercise to the extent where it's easy for me to just say, nevermind that and then move my awareness on to this point right here, pardon the English. But that's, that's pretty much how I operate. But Nicole, let me toss it right back to you. I just wanted to just interject and back up what you were saying.
Nicole Sublette 22:09
I appreciate that Harry. And I also love Tara Brock's work in this concept of radical acceptance, which is just being really open and accepting to what is the good, bad, ugly, and, and neutral. And part of this process, as we're talking about, and all love comes down to in this whole combinate culmination of all that we're talking about is that this is this is about the internal state, the internal state of being and like attracting like, and so if we're practicing those resonant states of love, peace, joy and gratitude, we can really move through any space, any relationship, it doesn't mean that it's going to always be easy, it doesn't mean that we're not going to face difficulties. But what it does mean is that we can move through these spaces with increased resiliency, increased openness and increased compassion. And that ultimately, what we find is that all that we desire to experience is that we can truly align with that within ourselves. And the gift of love is really within ourselves
Harry Turner 23:21
in that gift.
Nicole Sublette 23:22
Do you want to? Yeah,
Harry Turner 23:24
please, I wanted to ask you, when you say the gift of love is within ourselves. Can you elaborate a little bit more for the people?
Nicole Sublette 23:32
I'm sorry? Can you elaborate your question more?
Harry Turner 23:34
Yeah. When you say the gift of love is within ourselves. Can you expound on that concept? Like it being within oneself?
Nicole Sublette 23:42
Yeah, absolutely. Thank you, thank you, if we take it to the perspective of love being within ourselves, and I think it depends on people's orientation about what their beliefs are. But it kind of reminds me of that, I don't know. in one of those stories, don't call me where it comes from is that that Popper, who's outside and I feel like this is a Buddhist story, and I'm sure someone knows more of this than I do. But this popper is outside, and he's begging for money, and people are passing him by but it turns out the entire time all that he's seeking, it turns out that he's sitting on a chest of gold, and I know that I seriously paraphrase that. But what I'm saying is super analogous to that is that we often believe that what we want and desire is actually outside of us and that it comes from other and in fact, it actually does not come from other. It comes from within and if we actually look at other and science even says, and I know there are people on here, who are really into science that we're actually all connected and it is separation. That is an illusion and actually, in fact that there really is no thing such thing as other because we're all connected. And so when we're talking about love, it can really feel like a gift because when we're going inside it can be like a discovery, and recognizing that we all have capacity, we all have capacity for many things, we have capacity for love, we also have the capacity for hate, we have all these things that are inside of us. Yet as we do a lot of work, and we can find out our strengths are sometimes what I like to term as our even our own superpowers, it can feel like these real gifts as we go. And we can really find out what we are, not necessarily who we are, moving beyond the ego, and the capacity for our own human greatness. And, you know, and our purpose for being here and in living out our purpose. And when we're in that constant place of self discovery, with an openness with a curiosity can actually feel more as a gift than a burden. And when we're in a space of gratitude, we can see that all as a gift and oftentimes, even the struggles that we're going through and even the darkest of nights or even doing facing our own shadows, it all is gifts and I have found in my own process and my own work and even working with clients is that sometimes the biggest challenges and the biggest struggles are the biggest blessings in life because they give us the opportunity to understand and to know ourselves.
Harry Turner 26:19
Hmm, yeah, yeah. And, and again the life thanks so much Nicola is a Maya Angelou on the on the mic, you know, the gift, you know, being able to see oneself apart from these self-hating thoughts, that really we developed to protect ourselves against getting harmed again, when you become aware of these things, then you become liberated from these deceptions that we create these mental structures. You know, one of the things that are you know, being and I understood, I understood before I spoke out about it that, you know, this would be the case, but one of the things that people will the only thing so far that people found issue with as far as things I put in social media, is the concept of a toxic person and my take that there's no such thing as a toxic person. There's toxic environments, you know, this, you can be in a toxic environment, I mean, how that worked and, and toxic environments, worked on barges and whatnot, you know, had a lot of blue collar jobs, but I do not believe in a toxic person, the concept of it, because it's not a compassionate concept. It's a, it's a labeling. And when I think of toxic, I think of waste. And now we all need to get rid of waste, we all need to detox. But just because I have to get rid of waste doesn't mean that I am waste. And so even looking at how we view and make judgments on the other, if the other is truly reflection of oneself, as Nicole emphasized that we all connected and I emphasize earlier with with the chain analogy, if if we're all connected, and the other is reflection of oneself, then going back to, to that, that principle of loving the other, as you love yourself, what would love say in this situation? You know, I'm married and, and you know, I'm sure my wife doesn't mind me saying this, I'm because of the different practices that I have and the different interactions I have with people throughout the day, I had two sessions before I began this, this this call, it just came right out of a session, you know, and I hear the same complaints, the same grievances stated over and over again. And that gives me a bird's eye view on things. And so oftentimes, I'm much more aware of my wife's negative self talk and projected pain than she is, even though the projection at times is there, because I am aware, I choose to do the loving thing, which is Be compassionate, and then wait for an opportunity- and an opportunity, she's gonna make that known or whoever you deal with, they'll make that known, wait for the opportunity for that person to be curious enough to hear what you said, because the debate will never drive the would never bring progress would never bring progress it it has to be a dialogue. And that requires two people to be open to that dialogue. And so not only no noticing these subconscious defense mechanisms that we utilize against each other, you know, to label and judge and condemn and whatever else which is really just us trying to protect ourselves, the mind needs to know what is dangerous and what is not. That's why these phrases become a fad. You know, before long, toxic person, that phrase will no longer be here and everybody that earned money off of it, they will have been gone and this and that and another phrase we replaced that will be the same thing, just another mental structure to get us to look at a thing and believe in this thing and operate from that space. But again, if you use critical thinking skills, even analyzing that ultimately you look at your values. When you align when you look at your values, you realize that your values, the foundation of all these values is love. Your, I don't care who you are, I don't need to know who you are. I know that if you are paying attention to you Your values, when you examine those values, you'll see an underlying these values, whether it be family, or whether you're, you know, hard, hardcore, you know, Patriot who's all about, you know, was protecting the United States, whatever, at the foundation of whatever your value is, is love. But askeven with the stranger that you may collide into in the grocery store or whatever, you know, when these interactions happen, am I operating in love, or fear? That's really the choice, love or fear. And what would love do now? You know, if for someone who is incarcerated, who gets locked up for burglary, my response to them is much different than my response would be. If my child did something like that. And they were arrested. I know this because I was a clinician, a mental health clinician in a multi level security prison. And I had mothers call all the time, asking how their baby is doing, even though the baby may have chopped off 12 heads, but still looking through the lens of love. That's their baby, you know, and I'm not saying be pollyann-ish don't get confused, we have to be realistic here. But at the same time, what is love? What would love do now? Are we operating out of love, or fear, I can tell you from being in the Correctional Institute is using that institution as an example. That institution is based off of fear and punishment, which is why people typically get worse, not better when they go in there, which is why they allow certain tortures to go on in there. And even broadcast, you know, it'd be well known. But knowing that, that that there's no app that we are in a state culturally of a state of apathy towards these said inmates or these outliers of society's deviants of society, they know that it's a free for all. And it is, I'm speaking from that place, because I want you to understand that this lack of love, it not only impacts us on a personal level, it impacts our relationships, and impacts society in general. Why would I ever want to, to cause harm to somebody I don't even know, based off of what they look like or what they believe in? Why? Why would I want to cause harm to someone based off of them not believing in, in what I believe? Why do I need them to believe what I believe? You see a lot of these grievances, they the source of these things are needs that are going unmet. But the way that our defense mechanisms, our defense, our ego states, the way that they go about solving these unmet needs, it's always the wrong way and only produces more of the same, it's only through the lens of love that we can have our true, truly have our needs met because we have to look at ourselves accurately first. So I'm not gonna force you to give me something that you don't have, when I know that even if you have it in any for you to give, it's really for me to give to myself, what I have to be aware of that first. Love never fails. Nicole, come on, I could I could you know, I could keep running it Nicole but I won't get you in here, please jump on in here.
Nicole Sublette 33:01
Thank you, Harry. And I love that question of asking ourselves, where are we operating from? Is it love or fear? Or when we're trying to determine certain outcomes or have certain expectations? Is it coming from a place of love? Is it coming from a place of fear? And then also recognizing that all our relationships, no matter the outcome are really beautiful opportunities to learn. And we can really learn through wanting through one another. Because what happens in relationships, we tend to be mirrors for each other. And it's helpful to remember that when we're in the process of these things, that oftentimes when we're upset with another that the person has as much upset as we do, or they've known as much pain as we have, or they're as scared as we might be. And so we can really relate to one another in deeper contexts.
Harry Turner 34:07
The fear quick talk, talk away, I don't mean to cut you off, but yet that that fear is so, to be aware of that is so crucial, but please continue.
Nicole Sublette 34:17
What do you mean Harry,
Harry Turner 34:18
That fear to understand that that fear is present, and to lean into that discomfort. Understanding that you can have a different relationship with your fear, because I learned that fear, this fear this fear, emotion causes us to create so much chaos, you know, that the frequency of fear creates so much chaos, because I understand that I needed to understand my enemy, as the Art of War says suggests, you know, you got to understand your enemy. And so when I began to study this concept of fear or false evidence appearing real I begin to understand that when we operate out of fear, we're in a complete defense that we are in this state of complete protective mode. And so we can't even see outside of ourselves. It is in this state of fear. We actually become selfish or what I call what I call selfish, which is really to be not in total self energy or not looking not moving from that space of self energy. So we're sort of kind of ourselves sort of kind of like having a flu, you know, like, Okay, well, Harry, he's himself, but he has a flu. So he's not completely himself, but in states of selfishness, so what we've deemed to be selfish, I don't believe that selfishness is the way that is conventionally thought, I believe that selfishness is when we operate outside of ourselves, in that we operate outside of self energy. You know, knowing that energy, love, compassion, this curiosity, you know, these, these things are our values of self energy and authenticity, you know, look up the eight C's of internal family system, I love the way that they, they the concepts that they put together. And actually, I'm gonna do that, you know, I'm gonna do that while I'm talking. Nicole, if you could just jump on here for a second while I look that up to people know what self energy is conceptualized as its according to internal family systems.
Nicole Sublette 36:06
Yes, yes. And then Harry also, when you're looking it up, and then also explaining also what internal family systems are, because it is a conceptualization, how of how a lot of the therapists work with peoples one way to conceptualize therapy. What I wanted to talk about, though, is, as Harry saying, you know, about leaning into the fear, leaning into the discomfort, and also recognizing though, when we're in relationship, that oftentimes we're in relationships with someone that's maybe equally as fearful. And that's one way we can actually practice compassion, though, compassion for ourselves, and then also compassion for others. And when we can practice compassion, we can also allow freedom, allowing people to show up as they are, and what often happens though instead in love is that we tend to be perhaps the most angry or the most mad at to those to the ones that we invite in closest to us. Because in the closeness of that relationship, because it can be so close and it can be so intimate. Sometimes, it can really be a playground for triggering the ego. Because ego doesn't always like to be seen, the ego doesn't like to necessarily be discovered, and the ego sometimes can be really insidious in it's mechanisms. It can be really good at disguising itself. And so sometimes, true intimacy can also mean ego death. And that's often why we can become so triggered in our relationships with each other. And one way to get around that is really in the act of radical acceptance, radical acceptance for as how we show up, and also practicing radical others for how others show up but first, that radical acceptance is first practicing it with within ourselves the way to get there.
Harry Turner 38:13
Yes, thank you, Nicole. And again, bringing back up the fear both people being afraid, oh, yes, we are afraid. And this is, this is what is contributing to my belief, what is contributing to before the pandemic of 2020 with the World Health Organization themselves declared to be an epidemic of loneliness. In that the the health impact of loneliness, it destroys us, it it ends our lives, I think they made it equivalent to like smoking two packs of cigarettes a day. Like don't don't quote me on that so you can live and you can be a health nut but experienced excruciating loneliness and it has that same impact on your body. So again, ignorance and freedom can't coexist. So in in this state of trying to connect with the other with loving vibrations, understand that fear is not a possibility of fear is going to be there. Oh, no, not in today's day and age, you're gonna be there because the amygdala is always or the fear center of the brain is always trying to assess what is and isn't a threat. I'll be vulnerable for for this because I believe that I should practice what it is that I serve, I should eat what I serve.
Harry Turner 39:27
And by the way, any chef that doesn't eat what they serve is they dont eat their food, they're not worth their salt. But anyway, being vulnerable. One of the things I had to learn about myself throughout over the time is that because of again, Nicole was talking about who's in your circle, because of these various attachment betrayals, beginning with the first one being a trigger warning the murder of my my cousin when I was young, and then me not understanding how to deal with that grief. You know, Whenever it comes to connection, I have to be mindful of ROCD. I know many young may not have heard of that. But it's it's relationship OCD or relational OCD, they are symptoms that have manifested in the past based off of that, just the the initial connecting with people. So that initial first stage, you know, I had to manage that because I had been, I had been traumatized or I had experienced so much pain that my pain body or the memories of these painful things would come up when it came down to proximity, because it's always those who are closest to you that end up causing the pain because of proximity. They have to, you can't touch me unless you're close to me. So then these traumatic these traumas end up being attachment betrayal, so then what do we do, we start to watch, who we allow in our circle. So even when you want, even when the desire to connect, and to learn from each other's there, understand that there's another part of you there too. And that part is always assessing, looking, you know, and when it is triggered, you have to be able to understand what that trigger is, and then do something about it. You know, again, the you know, I'm referring back to this book called The Self Acceptance Project, it states in here talking about the triggers, it says a trigger, which can be anything at all, something someone says or does a situation at work an article, you read about George Clooney, a visit with a friend, you start comparing yourself to it them your own expectations of what you thought was going to happen and didn't, or you thought you were going to become and haven't and the trigger is very personally conditioned by your history and vulnerabilities. So then you watch for the physical reaction and the emotional reaction and then you again, a life of authenticity is a life of skillfully practicing living through your values, then you do the cognitive diffusion exercises, be it rain, be it listening to a meditation, like leaves on a stream, which is also another cognitive diffusion exercises, which separates you allows you to see that you are not your emotions, instead of looking through the lens of your emotions. Now you're see that you're experiencing emotion. And you can say, Aha, I'm aware of my thought now, I'm aware that I'm experiencing this emotion, but I am not this emotion. And then you can begin to skillfully navigate yourself back to what has been defined by a different treatment modality called internal family systems, back to self energy and I just wanted to mention eight C's real quick and then we could Nicole the rest of it is you and we can invite on whoever want to come up real quick. I know we don't have much time. But real quick, I'm not going to find them all. But I'm gonna give you the broad a C's, the eight C's of self leadership is calmness, clarity, curiosity, compassion, confidence, courage, creativity, connectedness. Again, it's calmness, clarity, curiosity, compassion, confidence, courage, creativity, and connectedness. And you will realize why these, why they these c's, these are the the concepts, the values that are the virtues that are emphasized, when it comes down to self energy, like compassion, and understand that we again, can say the same words would be reading from different dictionaries. So they define and I define compassion as to be openly hearted, present and appreciative of others and oneself without feeling the urge to fix change distance, or judge, fix, change, distance, or judge. Now look at all your relationships, including if you're married, you know, look at your even that relationship, especially that relationship as a matter of fact, and ask yourself how much compassion is there, it's hard not to, you know, to not to want to fix or change or judge something that you know that this person that you're sharing this space with, and is going to be here and, and they love you enough to deal with, you're certainly not gonna go anywhere. It's a challenge for us to introduce that compassion and that space, again, proximity, it's not the people on the outside, that we are that that really we cause harm to when we project it's always going to be ourinner circle. We treat strangers way better than we treat our inner circle, a lot of us, way better than we treat our inner circle. So that compassion must be there. Not only that, but that confidence. And so confidence again, fear being there. fear being there fear, saying f that I you know, hide, go away. No, no, no. But or judge confidence is to maintain the ability to stay fully present in a situation and effectively handle or repair anything that happens knowing you have when you have confidence, you believe that even if you make a faux pas, or mistake or whatever you have the confidence that you can still be present, and then learn even from your own mistakes. Because even when we stumble, we still stumble forward. Failure is just a painful side of success. And so you must fail. You must stumble and you must get up again. Now you don't have to repeat that cycle. Many of us will repeat that cycle that same stumbling cycle our entire lives unfortunate But As we are liberated, by understanding the mind, ignorance and freedom can't coexist as we are liberated and understanding that universal rule Know thyself, As we are liberated from our fears are very presence give others permission to do the same in that space. Even when my wife does not have self energy, she is not embodying self energy. I'm aware that that self energy is absent. I embody, I choose to be intentional, more so than than any other point to embody self energy, so that she can regulate and feel safe again, ultimately, and I say safe again. Because ultimately, to simplify the role of of the permission outside of the severe mental health disorders and addressing those, the role of all mental health is just to help people feel safe again, we don't feel safe people, we don't. And that's what's causing a lot of this dissension and misunder misinterpretations and disagreements and then attacking, and then labeling and then judging and then distancing, and then trying to fix and all of these other things, all of these prejudices and biases. Alright, I, Nicole, you got the rest. But thank you.
Harry Turner 46:07
Thank you. What Nicole, you got? You got the rest? I know. We don't have much time now. Please.
Nicole Sublette 46:12
Yeah. So I do want to close it out here, just because we only have a minute or two to go. But to just talk about what was Harry was saying. And I think though, a lot of times we are triggered by those closest to us is because oftentimes we choose people to be in our inner circle, that actually, subconsciously we've picked because they are they represents unhealed facets of ourselves. And so what we do is we choose these people we invite them in and then we psychically try to kill them off because it they represent unhealed parts from our pasts typically in our in our formative years.
Harry Turner 46:58
But definitely want to just encourage y'all to please let people know about Nicole's site and, and that she's a brilliant clinician, and very powerful healer very intuitive. I'm glad that I learned to put a link to a website up today so that people can just click, but please share her website. Let her know that some this is a real healer, a real clinician authentic clinician who knows her stuff, and can see into people's spirits and help to raise up that frequency to help provide true healing. And with the experience of hypnotherapy, I could go on and on. Y'all could check out the website but just you know, just just know that she's legit, please spread the word. We need more clinicians who are legit out there representing this field. And I'm done. I'm done Nicole, and I think y'all thank y'all for this series. Thank you for being a part of it.
Nicole Sublette 47:48
Yes, it I just want to thank everyone and thank you, Harry for the really kind endorsement as well. I super appreciate it and everything you said about me is spot on. So I just want to thank everyone once again for being here and I hope that everyone has a beautiful afternoon ahead of them.
Harry Turner 48:08
Yes, yes, y'all take it easy. My love and respect Yeah.
Transcribed by https://otter.ai