Harry Turner 0:00
Hey. Welcome to Is that so during off season, you're about to listen to the three part series with Nicole Sublett called how to attract your soulmate, and the love you deserve, and joy.
Nicole Sublette 0:18
My name is Nicole Sublette, places clinical mental health counselor and hypnotherapist and I help women recover from toxic relationships. And I'm really excited to be here with Harry today to talk about love and maintaining love and manifesting love for anyone looking for love. We also do have a free affirmation by so just DM me the word love and affirmation to attract your soulmate. And so do me the word love and I can send that out as well.
Harry Turner 0:51
All right, Nicole, how are we feeling how we feelin? You're ready to jump on this thing?
Nicole Sublette 0:56
I am I'm feeling good today. And I'm excited to be here today as well.
Harry Turner 1:01
Same here, same Yeah, crucial topic, this, this this next phase that we're going into how to be loving, you know how to attract your soulmate. But just the second phase, while the second session is on the becoming or being loving, you know how to be loving. And I'm excited to talk about this as well. So are you ready to go ahead on and get started?
Nicole Sublette 1:23
Yes, absolutely. So Harry and I were talking about this last week, we talked about how to attract your soulmate. And part of attracting your soulmate is actually doing some inner work and healing of inner wounds, perhaps childhood trauma, or just a series of relationships. And it's really important that when we're looking to attract love into our lives is that we have to take a critical look at ourselves because like, attracts like. And so for us to have wonderful, sustainable relationships that are not necessarily based out of fear, codependence or lack. It takes a requirement of doing some deep inner work. And so Harry and I talked about that a lot last week of the journey in the process of doing inner work, or doing shadow work, which is looking at parts of ourselves that tend to be buried, or hidden, sometimes not always evident. And then relationships can often mirror to us sides of ourselves that we can bring to light and to work on. And also we can use those aspects of ourselves and relationships instead of that causing disharmony in a relationship. When we work together in a relationship, it can actually create more intimacy, when we're taking our deepest aspects of each other. And working to co create so instead of creating a separation, we can create connection. And so we were talking a lot about that last week, I heard you here we going, Oh, hmm.
Harry Turner 3:10
Look, I'm gonna keep mine on mute so we can flow easier. I did the unmute muting thing I get confused with it sometimes.
Harry Turner 3:16
No, but I'm gonna keep mine on mute. So just jump in whenever you whenever you would like, an intense feeling of deep affection. So make sure we read from the same dictionary. If you just Google up the word love, it means an intense feeling of deep connection. Now, last week, if you were here last week, then you know that we went over not enough messages that we received and then limiting beliefs from early childhood that basically limit our experience with this this thing that we call love, this force is energy that we call love. And of course, we want to dive into that, to that philosophical question of what is love, you know, and the only reason why it's philosophical is because love, love is so many different things, you know, it's not just one thing, but one thing in particular that we need to know is that love is an action it is an energy and again, emotions, emotions, like love to be loving, it is energy in motion. So how does the energy of love or to be loving move through you? you know, and not only through you to the others, but also reflect back to you how you treat yourself, you know, so how are we being loving towards ourselves again, last week, we went over some of the some of the hindrances towards that love, but also diving into the deeper parts. Understand that when it comes down to being loving towards yourself, and that you have to also love those things that you yourself have deemed as unlovable. Again, going back to some of the childhood experiences that we've had not enough messages that we've had, you see in traumatic experiences and again, trauma is an attachment betrayal. So in these experiences where we are connected to someone who is supposed to provide that need of love, and it is a need, who someone, someone does not meet that, and actually they do the quite opposite, they don't show us love and show us fear and hatred, you know, that then can be embodied by us in a form of what is called internalized oppression. But one of the things that I mentioned, often is internalized oppression in the forms of even the civil rights history, you know, and again, this is about love and how to attract love. But let's understand what internalized oppression is. internalized oppression is you will experience a certain level of abuse so so much that eventually those messages of self hate those those hatred, those hateful messages, eventually gets internalized. And now that person no longer needs or those people no longer need to be in your life for you to give that message to yourself, because you are now telling yourself that message. And that is emphasized and one of the quotes that that it's arguable whether she actually said this or not. But regardless, the principle is the same. Harriet Tubman said I freed 1000 slaves and I would have freed 1000 More had the only known there were slaves talking about the internalization of these hateful messages. And so when it comes back to moving, moving back towards being loving towards ourselves, we have to begin to identify how we are not being loving towards ourselves, how we are deeming certain parts of us to be unlovable and we're reframing away from those parts.
Harry Turner 6:26
Again, I'll just say this real quick and Nicole, you jump on in. One sidedness. One of the most famous Well, probably the founder of psychotherapy, him and Freud, Carl Jung, again, he says until the unconscious becomes conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate. The unconscious that he was talking about, were these internalized messages that begin during childhood, not just by people who may have had malice towards us, for whatever reason or prejudice towards us for whatever reason, but also from those people who love us who had not broken that cycle of fear. They've attached their fear to that love, and then they taught us a pseudo love, which is not really love in and of itself, but a fear masked as love cause first we love, I'm gonna start right here with it, first it is a natural order of human beings to first love like when you become a parent, you love with all your heart, mind and soul, that beautiful entity that you helped to bring into this world. And then you fear losing that which you love, then you come up with different fear tactics, to make sure that that what you love is kept quote, unquote, safe. Don't step on. That's where a lot of superstitions come from, I'll step on a crack break your Mom's back, you know, watch out, don't go across the street, the leg to fall off little things like that, although it may be silly for us, you know, as adults, and we'll say, eventually, they'll grow up and you'll learn that this isn't true. But the energy is the same. We are teaching even our children based off of what we say love, but really fear we even teaching our children, these superstitions so that they respond to fear and get acclimated with that energy of fear. And no doubt as adults, we fall into that to that same cycle because that's what we use to. Everything we do is a practice, whatever we practice will become. Nicole, I will make sure we stay on point. So where you at with it.
Nicole Sublette 8:17
Yes, I agree on many aspects and specifically starting with the term of internalized oppression. And there are many levels of oppression, right? It is when the oppressor at the top of the ideology. So our forms of repression, our ideological, institutional, interpersonal, and then ends up with internalize. But at the top of that, when the oppressor has done its job is for the person to instantly shame themselves oppress themselves and think that it is a them thing. But it's actually part of the system, and the ideology. And a lot of things that we have been conditioned to are not love based, but indeed rather fear based. And as Harry was saying, as a way to keep us safe. And if we take it down to a further level, it's a matter of survival. And so if we take it way, way back, as evolution is going, we were taught to survive we, our primitive brain, our reptilian brain, which is the amygdala. And that brain, that part of our brain is often activated as it scans the environment looking around to see if situations are safe. And what happens is, when there is a trauma, our brain is still activating alarm bells. So situations that seem unsafe, that are actually safe, will seem unsafe because our amygdala is on overdrive.
Nicole Sublette 9:54
And when we're talking about how our ancestors acted, how our parents acted how our grandparents acted. And going on back. If we look at it, there's stories of survival. There's stories of trauma, and trauma can go down through the generations. And so certain ways of acting, certain ways of behaving, certain ways of communicating, that can all be passed down. And so a lot of the fear that we have a lot of the ways that we learn to interact with each other, and even down to the ways in which we self identify have been passed down through generations. And part of loving is to one is to identify some of the patterns that we have in our families, or patterns that even maybe if we didn't have, if we're not with our families of origins, or that our caretakers gave to us, and it's looking at those patterns and looking at what patterns are conducive towards our health, and our vibrancy, and what patterns actually take away from us. What patterns actually make us not feel so good, what patterns make us feel disconnected patterns that make us feel lonely patterns that make us feel isolated. And oftentimes, as I said before, those patterns are brought down. And if we look at how our parents interacted, we can trace it back to even how our grandparents interacted. For example, when I work with a woman, and she has a husband who acts a certain way, let's say he has some narcissistic tendencies, he's always talking about himself, he can't recognize her as separate than him. If we look back, and I asked her what her father was like, we will often find that her father was very much like the husband that she's chosen because part of the patterning is, is that we're in survival mode. So we also look for things that seem safe to us. And safety is often a sub conscious mechanism. So sometimes, not consciously, we draw into ourselves things that are familiar to us. So we tend to create patterns that were in our family of origin. And a lot of times, what we're doing is working on a subconscious level, or working for our amygdala, and we're scanning for safety. So even environments, even if they're violent or not loving can seem safe to us, because that is the patterning that we have been conditioned with. So it's really important for us to understand and look at patterns so we can start healing ourselves.
Harry Turner 12:54
Mm hmm. I'm right there with you. I'm right there with you. And again, understanding how we show disapproval towards ourselves, or how is it that we are not loving ourselves, so I'm using that exact same example that Nicole used and she's spot on. So take the other side of that coin and look at the person who is exhibiting narcissistic tendencies. Anyone who I've ever met who has a clinical diagnosis who needs to claim for diagnosis but narcissism personality disorder, because it is a disorder, they have experienced extensive childhood abuse, every single person extensive childhood abuse, so in that respect, not only is the partner mimicking that pattern of attaching to that same energy, but also the person who is exhibiting the narcissistic patterns are also responding to their past trauma get 90% of what we are experiencing 90 95% It's a projected hypothesis is what Sigmund Freud called it in that we are projecting, and constructing reality in the present, based off of what we experienced in the past. The key is to get free from that feedback loop. And the only way we can do that is through awareness. Ignorance and freedom can coexist, which is why we're not first, this first part, we're talking about ways in which we can identify how we are not being loving towards ourselves. So why would someone feel unlovable? I want to jump on that real quick. And it could be something clinical like a clinical medical or chemical something like depression, where the thoughts are not based in reality. So that's called cognitive distortions in the therapeutic world. Even though we're not providing therapy. Let me just say that we're not providing therapy you want to hear of any sources just us dialogue and can provide therapy without a relationship. Now that started with me and Nicole both since we're both practitioners, borderline personality disorder is oftentimes linked to - I've never seen a time when it was not linked to childhood. But this engages in an all or nothing thinking and you know, there's a lot of undiagnosed personality He decided to out there. And so someone loves you one moment and then hate you the next, you know, and then loves you the next moment and then hate you the next, not only that, but among these personality disorders, you'll see, you'll see a lot. One of the main defenses, which is actually quite harmful is gaslighting. And it's not that they, from what I can tell it's not even that they are intentionally trying to be malicious, even though sometimes almost certainly they are. But everything that we do is a practice and whatever we practice we become we get better at a person has been practicing constructing reality around what they believe to be real, while suffering through the cognitive distortions, then that's their reality. And indeed, a person can become so good at living according to these falsehoods that they can tell a lie to themselves, and then instantly believe it as truth. Ergo, the gaslighting where the other person now becomes this notch, this arch nemesis that must be vanquished in order to exist peacefully, you know. So when you see certain things like that, you know that that is not really the person attacking that person, even though that's exactly what's happening in reality, oftentimes, they're, they're attacking this sense of not feeling loved. If a person has been in abusive relationship, of course, me myself and my experiences with treating people who have been in abusive situations, women who have been in shelters and whatnot, there is a lot of gaslighting that goes on there but but more so this feeling of not being deserved, because they were gassed, they were gassed that so often, that again, everything that we do as a practice, when we practice we become and so this this routine, this this hypnotic message gets placed into their minds to where now they can actually believe that they are deserving of the abuse, because this is who they are, they don't love, you know, I'm unlovable. And so of course, this is the best that I can get, you know, and I've heard that emphasize in several and several occasions and several abusive situations. So understanding that we are not our thoughts, that we're actually the consciousness or awareness behind our thoughts. So just like I can say, I am unlovable, I can turn right back around and say, and say it with sincerity if I truly believe it, sincerity, I can say that I am lovable. You know, so understanding these reasons why we've seen parts of ourselves unlovable, and then reintegrating with those parts, by returning to love or showing love and compassion towards was bought is is one of the key aspects to realigning your aura, so that you can attract that soulmate in the love that you deserve. Because you deserve you first, you deserve you. And you need to know that you deserve you. And you need to know you know that you are lovable, and that you deserve good things. Because if you can't, if you can't accept that, if you can't accept love from yourself, how can you ever expect to accept love from anybody else? You see, whenever we fall into this, this pattern of compulsively seeking love from the outside, that is a representation of a lack of love from the inside, but we can't meet our needs from the outside. That is an inner world problem, not an outer world problem, which is well Carl Jung said, those who look outside still dream, but those who see can see with their eyes closed, you see. So looking into that inner world, because it's an inner world, that's real, not this external world. Do you have anything to say on that? Nicole? Before I continue?
Nicole Sublette 18:33
I do have, I do have a few things to say about that. And when you're talking about the hypnotic state, I think that's actually super important to talk about here is also ages zero through seven, we are actually in a hypnotic state, we're actually operating what is called theta wavelength, which is when I practice hypnosis with people that is the wavelength that I'm hoping to get them to. And so any person zero to seven is will operating in theta. That is actually where most of the conditioning happens. That is actually when we're learning about ourselves through the messaging that we are receiving, because we're going through life as children, just absorbing, being open and being receptive. The subconscious, like it's all being filtered through into our subconscious. And so we're learning ideas about who we are and how we show up in relation to the world. And the other piece of this is when we're talking about, you know, loving ourselves and, you know, we can't really love others, unless we love ourselves is that we have to actually ask ourselves, about our levels of intimacy, our levels of commitment, because oftentimes when her relationship we tend to point to other. Oh, well, you know, he showed up this way he wasn't good enough. He was inattentive you know, he only texts me periodically only hear from him every other weekend. There tends to be this game of pointing the finger to other. But then we have to also ask ourselves when we're in relationship, well, why did I draw this person in, this person who I am calling unavailable? And while I'm labeling someone else unavailable, it could be important for me to turn to say, Well, how am I unavailable? How am I not open to love? How am I not receptive that I'm actually calling in someone that I view is unavailable, but it is i that magnetizes relationship, and it is i that accepted this relationship. So the other piece of this is to really when we're in relationship with other and we're looking at and we're pointing fingers, and we're characterizing and we're setting up expectations, we have to take a very important look at ourselves and recognize often the times that we're pointing out the finger or we have an expectation of someone else, or we're calling them out, is oftentimes what we call projection. Another clinical term is psychological projection. And what we're actually doing is, is actually an issue within us that we're seeing reflected in another. And that's why it triggers us that's why irritates us. And that's why it upsets us. And I can't tell you how many times when I'm doing work with people, and someone says, Well, you know, he made me feel that way. And he, he made me yell at him, or he made me freak out at him. And the thing is, we can't be made to do anything we can't be made to yell, we can't be made to freak out. We can't be angry at someone, unless that anger already initially exists within us
Harry Turner 21:40
Tell em, Nicole, tell em. I'm sorry, Amen.
Nicole Sublette 21:44
Yes. And so when we are in relationship, we're often projecting. And so it is my recommendation when we're looking at love or being loving in a relationship is really practicing 100%, accountability, practicing 100% accountability for how we show up and pausing. Before we're calling out someone before we're labeling someone before we're freaking out. Or someone is pausing and saying does this exist within myself? And then pausing and asking, Why is this triggering me? And also a further and deeper question is, is have I experienced this before in the past? Is this reminding me of another time because oftentimes, when we're triggered in a relationship, we're not even actually responding and present moment, oftentimes, we're responding in past moments, we're actually living in the past. And once again, our brain is scanning for that survival mode. And our brain is telling us that the safe situation is not safe. And the reason why it's telling us it's not safe is because we've experienced it in the past as unsafe.Go ahead Harry.
Harry Turner 22:51
Good. Look, I feel like getting an audience you're I just, I just liked the way you flow. Oh, my goodness, I love the way you feel like alright, so everything that she said, spot on everything like all of that, that's like, that's true. Those are gold balls. That's not even. That's not even like, what that's not even like small dishes, when it comes down to this isn't even creme brulee, even I love creme brulee like that straight steaks that she was just spitting just now. And so when it comes down to be in love, and I'm backing up everything that Nicole says also just just adding on some conceptualization in case anybody wants to do further research into that you can look up adverse childhood experiences. And also when I when I reference young, because I come from that, from that space of psychotherapy and deep analysis of the subconscious, just like Nicole, you definitely you definitely want to look up Carl Jung and shadows, you know, and understanding what a shadow is. Because when we are ready to show up, our shadow part shows up for us. And in that space of shadow is really a place of of a land of things that we don't know about ourselves fully. We know that something's happened, and we made a premature judgment about ourselves in that space. And unfortunately, we still hold a lot of these antiquated beliefs about ourselves in that same space. And it's subconscious. So it's, we don't really realize that a lot of that a lot of that information that we bury down, it comes up in ways that we don't see. So a lot of time I spend time in, in therapy session first teaching the person how to think they think that immediately they're gonna come in and tell me, everything that's going on with them in the first session is initial assessment. So yes, that that is the case in therapy. But then for the rest of the therapeutic sessions, the first two or three, I'm teaching them about CBT, which is cognitive behavior therapy. I'm teaching about Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, and I'm teaching them about how to reframe their thoughts. So when they come to me and say, they really pissed me off, or this person is this or that person is that they've made me no one can make you anything, just like I say, when I was a therapeutic mental health clinician in a multi level security prison. I would tell them when I'm teaching anger management, no one can push your buttons unless you give them the controller first. No one can make you feel any kind of way you can feel a certain type of way based off of your interpretations of that interaction. But then once you realize that you feel this this type of way, then you ask yourself three logical questions, which is A, does does how I feel or what I'm thinking, does it help me to achieve my goals? B, Does it help me to feel the way that I want to feel? Do I feel the way that I want to feel? And 3, Is it based on fact or opinion, and when you start to plant that type of mental play, where you actually become aware of your thoughts, when you think about your thoughts, and you develop skill in that space, let me tell you something, the confidence and the level of of innovative thinking that you will take on from that moment forward. It's, it's limitless, because literally, you're learning to move from a place of being mentally rigid, to cognitive flexibility. One thing they noticed in all disorders across the board, certain things called Trans diagnostic factors, or TDFs, which means that these things are present across the board, things like rumination with all all mental health disorders. But one of the main one of those other TDFs that that they've identified is avoidance and and repression and suppression of feelings of how a person actually feels. But we have to understand how to communicate with ourselves in a healthy way. And we also that's reflected through the lack of communication that we have with other people. If you notice, again, I don't want to go too far off on topic again, this is about how to attract your soulmate and the love you deserve. But if you notice a big part of connection is being able to be emotionally intelligent enough to be confident enough to navigate during situations. Confidence is this this ability to engage in connection, engage in relationships, knowing that you may stumble along the way but still have the confidence that anything is damaged can be repaired. Many of us because we relive in some of the most painful, expensive experiences of our lives time and time again. The second that we even perceive someone makes a faux pas we are sprinting away like Jesse Owens I know that's an old example but still just always really fast person for anybody who don't know. Anyway, we are sprinting away like Jesse Owens. Why, when we can stand there and be courageous, Nicole holder homed in on something else. I'm gonna stop on this because I have another point I wanted to move to but I'm gonna get handed to Nicole after this. But she she she honed in on doing what I call doing the dance, that we have these collisions with people and and I learned that because I was I was very flighty though let me tell you, Oh, Jesse Owens. Number two, I was very flighty. But then I realized that you could change the face, you can change the location, you can even change the state, but the same energies kept coming back. And the definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over and expect different results. So some years ago, I began the phrase of saying, okay, Harry, let's do the dance. And that's, that's ended up in some of my most rewarding relationships, as well as some of my most painful growth opportunities. But when these collisions happen in your life with other energetic beings, other human beings, don't take those collisions lightly. I don't even take a hello in Walmart lightly, lean into that discomfort, if there's any discomfort there and understand why the dance is occurring while the song is playing. When the song is over, you move on. But if you leave before that song is over, you guarantee that song come right back up. Again, it's just like a video game. If you don't pass that boy, guess what you get to repeat that boy, now you could walk away from the video game, you can walk away for 10-15 years, when you come back, you still won't be on that board. So it's better to go out on and engage and do the dance and learn whatever truth you need to learn from from that collision, in that moment, and move forward. But you got to have confidence. And you've got to know that you're worthy of love. And you've got to know that you are loved, you got to be able to validate yourself in that space is extremely important. And Nicole, unless you wanted to jump on back with that. I wanted to speak on affirmations. But I still wanted to I wanted to give you the opportunity to respond to anything I just say.
Nicole Sublette 29:04
Yes, I did want to say something just added to that. And I think it's important to also talk about we talk about this idea of, you know, self love and loving one's self. And what is that? And you know, and how do we get there and people often mistake self love or being self loving as a way of thinking, a cognitive way of being, mental. And I have discovered that self love is actually it's a feeling state, it is actually a matter of the heart. And when we can be in a state of love, or if we can be in a state of gratitude, and we can start to express that unconditionally to everything - Everything includes ourselves. And so when I, when I work with people, what I have them do is I actually have them practice being in a loving state. And I have many methods of doing that one method I have is taking them into their heart and thinking of people that they that they really, really love. And then directing that loving sensation inwards, or does even have to be people it can be plants, it can, it can be pets, or another activity is having people you know, maybe drive through their town city, or wherever they may live, and just really bless everything that they see and be in gratitude for everything that they see. And then when they recognize that they're consistently practicing the state of happiness and gratitude for everything, maybe the air, the trees, even the cracks in the sidewalk, or the guy with the oxygen tanks, smoking a cigarette, practicing gratitude and seeing the beauty and everything you begin to be able to use that to pierce your own heart and turn that inward and feel the beauty of yourself and when you can experience the beauty in the truth of yourself, you will be brought to tears you will be brought to your knees. I know I had that experience myself driving my car, I when the first time I felt myself was driving my car down the interstate and I literally needed to pull over so I could just cry. And I was just in awe of who I was. And you know, just thinking about all the things that shrouded in. So I always thought Self Love is like, oh, that's just how I think about myself and it's not it's how you feel. And you can get that way too, by using affirmations well in a relaxed state, in a theta state, in the subconscious state where your cognitive brain your conscious brain is not kicking in because once I as I said self love is not necessarily a conscious way of thinking is a subconscious way of thinking. And it's also most importantly it is a way of feeling and it is a way of being.
Harry Turner 32:04
Synergy all over the place, come on Nicole, all right now. So again, everything that she said spot on and and the reason why I wanted to go to affirmations is because affirmations even though these are words, it's about moving from your head to your heart. Like Nicole emphasize, it's a feeling this love this is this is a feeling. But we have to move from our heads to our hearts. And remember that the longest journey any of us will ever take will be that journey from our heads to our hearts. Because there's a lot of things that we pushed aside that we didn't want to deal with that we didn't think we had to deal with going back towards our heart. But by returning to our heart or returning to love, all we're doing is gathering a deeper truth about who we are. That's why things make a full circle. And that's why these things that we thought that we were done with we have to revisit, because we are not done with those things yet or rather those things are not done with us yet. Nothing ever truly leaves you are be Pema Chodron, I think she says this, nothing ever truly leaves you until it teaches you what it was meant to teach you. Until that day it is there. You know, you can rinse and repeat with with individuals, but players with pawns or whatever other other extras in your play, you know, but at the end of the day, you still got to face that reality, you still got to face your truth, ain't no getting away from your truth. So wherever you go there, you always remember that. But affirmations it's a subconscious right? The subconscious mind is incredibly powerful, and it will accept pretty much any truth or image that you submit to it without question. But you must act ,you must be able to align these vibrations of love and you must affirm your reality of love if you plan on attracting love. And again, that begins with yourself affirmations are important. And I'm not gonna say affirm like, you know, oh, I am happy. No, no, no, not I am happy or yeah, I'm going to be a millionaire today. Yeah, I mean, that's a nice one. But no, those are not that's not appropriate using affirmations. Again, when you are using affirmations, you are affirming a truth. First off, there's a few rules to this and just in case anybody wants to you know if anybody's taking notes are or whatever everything that we do as a practice, whatever we practice will become, in all hypnosis is self hypnosis, self hypnosis. So with these affirmations of knowing, is really you are pouring your energy into a specific point in time speciality point in time. And wherever attention goes energy flows, excuse me. And so as you continue to pour your energy into this specific point in time being you you feeling you, you know and allow yourself to just expand your awareness to just expand and experience the fullness of who you are. What you're doing is in energetically aligning and allowing yourself to be in a position to receive love, to be an embodiment of love and gratitude is one of the highest states is the highest state of receivership. It is going to be very difficult for you to be grateful and miserable at the same time, which is why Nicole emphasized developing a gratitude practice. I'll say a life of authenticity is a life of skillfully practicing living through your values, and my my own personal mission statement as well as my mission statement our mission statement on my my podcast my pod is to assist others in developing the audacity to live unapologetically authentic. See audacity that's that that's boldness you have is it takes courage not that you don't have any fear, because to be absent of fears, bravery, but courage is to be intentional about moving forward, in spite of being afraid, make sure that one of those skills that you are developing is courage, because you're going to need it as you face yourself. Now, how to use affirmations appropriately. First, you must believe. All right, so for an affirmation to actually be effective for you actually got to believe what it is that you that you're saying, you know, to a certain extent, it can't be off the wall, like I am a fish, you know, or even I am beautiful. If at that moment in time, I don't feel that, you know, I might feel like no, I still feel have this image of myself, but I do feel positively about some aspects of who I am. Well, let's start affirm that in this watch that love spill over into these other areas, because whatever you fill yourself up with, has no choice but to spill over. But make it personal, make sure that you actually believe it, make it memorable, you know, simple, short and direct. That's, that's pretty good. The more memorable and more likeable, the more you will rehearse it as days go forward the same way that I'm flowing with different quotes, these quotes and the things that I say, are really like going to the bowling alley and putting up the boundaries. If you ever had children, and you went to the bowling alley, the quotes that I say I say enough for other people, but for myself, because these are my boundaries, when when I don't want to love somebody that has that I that I have interpreted as having a challenging or difficult personality. I remember the quote that says my saying that says, you know, those who are the most difficult to love are the ones who need it the most, I just did a post on that, you know, so these little things that I say to myself constantly, it moves me from the fear rooted state of wanting to be safe, where I have to constantly guard myself or attack or project, how I feel my fears onto other people and attack them. It moved me from that state to a state of being grateful and ready to receive love, ready to receive life. And my acronym for life is love is for everyone. So again, you must believe it. You must make it personal, you must make it memorable. You know, make sure that it's positive and present tense and repeat it daily. All hypnosis is self hypnosis. If you want to energize those affirmations, make sure that you say it with passion and excitement. Really put your emotions behind it. And one of the most powerful tools that a lot of life coaches use, and I know it's powerful. I'm emphasizing life coaches, because I believe that Nicole Nicole probably use this a lot. I know I use it a lot, because we hypnotherapists but there's a science behind using this. And that's why life coaches use it as well as we are that now as well. But visualizing, so let me just let me just say real quick when you incorporate when you incorporate creative visualization into your affirmation practice, this makes your affirmations seem more real enough to take immediate action on. So one of the things that I may do is I'll do a meditation called 54321. Where we first I get my my people even we're supposed to be about the room that you're in, I want them to use their imagination, what I do is I get my people to actually state what place they want to be in, you know, maybe Bora Bora, or something like that. Sorry about that. After they get to Bora Bora, I'll ask them five things that they see there. I may ask them for things that they may feel physically there, they have the eyes there, and they're stating all of these things that they're seeing in Bora Bora. The longer I keep them there, the more that they describe, describe being there and actually sensing it, their emotions are changing and matching that experience. So you don't have to physically go anywhere. You have to experience the experience in order to experience it. And honestly, once you close your eyes and you're that deep in meditation, focusing your attention on a single point, again, where attention goes energy flows, that becomes the most real point to you. And so now you're there and the mind can't really tell much of a difference between where you are physically versus where you've allowed yourself to travel mentally and spiritually. And Nicola, please jump on here and let me know if I said something wrong. Please correct the people. I don't want to lead them astray.
Nicole Sublette 39:55
I really do agree with you about the use of affirmations and visualization and feeling as if it has happened if you are creating affirmations for yourself. Affirmations too, or if you're listening to affirmations affirmations that you did not write for yourself, they're really well received, if you listen to them before you fall asleep, because our minds are wide, or more receptive, I should say at that time. And so that's another way that we can effectively use affirmations.
Nicole Sublette 40:30
And I wanted to actually shift gears for a minute and also talk about the idea of love and the ideas of romantic relationships. We have a lot of Yes, expectations, and narratives and stories that we've been given since childhood about, you know, what a romantic relationship looks like, you know, what specific roles need to be played out. And you know what that fairytale ending looks like, for each of us. And that's what you know, most of us are taught, I can't speak for everyone. But most of us are taught about how relationships work, and what the roles that we have to play with these outcomes. And those messages are one, inaccurate and two, quite disturbing, because it sets a lot of us up for failure, it sets us up for failure because it leads to what is called a setting up expectations, expectations for how things turn out. And then when things turn out that the way we didn't want them to turn out, or the way that we were told that they should turn out, what we end up doing is that we end up internalizing it. And once again, that actually ties back into internalized oppression. Well, it didn't work out this way supposed to have that fairytale ending that happy ending, it was supposed to work out this way, and it didn't. So I must be a failure. And so when we're in, when we're looking at relationships, one way to look at drawing in love or being in relationship is actually also to pay attention to how we are talking to ourselves, is important to pay attention to how we talk to ourselves, when we actually get out of a relationship, are we talking to ourselves in a self deprecating way? Or are we empowering ourselves, and what the goal is, what the aim should be is that we are talking to ourselves in loving ways that we are talking to ourselves and compassionate ways. And also understanding that every relationship, every relationship, not just romantic, is an opportunity for learning. It's an opportunity for growth. And it is an opportunity for us to learn about ourselves. So instead of taking our idea of relationships, and also comparing our relationships against this ideal that's been fed to us. And it's important to kind of take a different slant to that, and to recognize the value in all of our relationships in the value in all our connections, whether they sustain or do not sustain. And also recognize how each of our relationships, every single relationship we've ever had, even if it was abusive and awful, is actually sacred, because it can teach us something about ourselves. It can take us to deeper places where with ourselves, and actually sometimes the most difficult relationships are the most sacred relationships because they give us the opportunity to do the most self work. And everything is actually a return to love. And it's actually a return to our core, a return to our center and a return to loving ourselves. And if we can view everything as sacred, we can start to move through the illusion of expectation, we can start to move through the illusion of how things should be or how things should play out. And we can move into different ways of being actually in increased frequencies, a higher energy, when we can view things as sacred that includes view ourselves as sacred, we can actually fully understand ourselves, we can fully understand our capacities. Sorry, did you want to jump in?
Harry Turner 44:14
I'm just here listening to you and I want to play, can you please tell the people more? How did you phrase it on the illusion of expectations? Like that, but But yeah, Can you Can you expound a little bit on that? I think this is a really good one to really big one that people need to digest.
Nicole Sublette 44:32
So an expectation in itself is an illusory it's it's a desired outcome. But it's not necessarily a fact. Right? It's an expectation it's how something shows up for us or how someone shows up for us, but it comes from the inside and it's based off of our projection on how things ought to be and our desired outcomes. It doesn't mean we cannot manifest our desired outcomes, but it is an expectation typically is a future based way of thinking. And so it's, so it doesn't quite exist yet. And when we can actually move through and a lot of, you know, a lot of studies have so research has shown and even ancient religions and esoteric is that peace, love and harmony, and all the beautiful juiciness of life actually comes from the moment to moment awareness. So if we can actually, as I said, going back and being sacred within ourselves, and learning and understanding ourselves and growing ourselves in returning to center, feeling, connectedness and gratitude, even in the most difficult times that can really start to navigate us. And then that way, we can actually steer more towards the outcomes that we want. But we can also steer towards those outcomes without the pain because expectations often cause pain, especially when they do not come to fruition. It can they can create suffering.
Harry Turner 46:02
Yes, oh, sorry, I'm sorry, go ahead, I'm just let me tie this full circle, just with what Nicole said, you know, even though she already made it full circle, you know, in my belief, it says Be anxious in nothing, be anxious in nothing. And what is anxiety? Anxiety is the bodily experience of fear. So the way that I interpret that is be fearful in nothing. How does expectations tie into this, I say that expectations is the greatest source of frustration, because oftentimes, we place expectations on people, but people change their mind, just like a change that drawers you can't, you can't you can't put your trust or expectations on people because they're not inanimate objects, you know that my microwave will work exactly how a microwave is supposed to work every single time or it's not working. Period. It's only is only doing one thing, I can place an expectation that when I put my food in my microwave that is going to warm up. When you place expectations on people knowing that everyone has been gifted the responsibility of free will, you don't know what a person what's on that person's journey and what moves they need to make. But you cannot dictate to them the way that they should respond the same way that we do this to our home appliances. Making it full circle again, being anxious in nothing and not having expectations, and expectations being the greatest source of frustration. When you look at the etymology, when you look up the origin of the word expectation, it was created around a 1530s. And it says The state or condition The state or condition of waiting or awaiting with confident anticipation. And that's that that comes from the the French also anticipation and awaiting perceived opinions as to what will likely take place. All right, great expectations. So understand that to expect is to wait or anticipate to wait with anticipation. And if you're waiting for anticipation, for a specific outcome, that no doubt will lead to anxiety, or the bodily experience of fear. What fear is there? the theory is is that this thing that your mind is treating like an absolute like it absolutely will happen, even though it understands some part of it understands that it's still just a probability, but a very likely probability one that we are so believe so likely that we are depending on it. When that does not happen. It leads us to it well, when we when when it has not happened yet. First off, when we're anticipating something happening, that leads to the anxiety of that never happening, we're looking at the future. Oftentimes anxiety is is tied to an outcome that we said will happen and we're awaiting that thing to happen, but it's never happened yet. So I have to monitor my own anxieties make it personal, I have to monitor my own anxiety when it comes down to meeting new people, cause I have a clinical diagnosis of PTSD so strangeer danger is there that's on a clinical basis. Also, I have to moderate my anxiety when it comes down to expectations of off of success. You know, well, I did X amount of this and I did this many videos. Why is this not happening over here? You see all of those things are expectations. But the one constant in this world is change. Things are constantly changing. So we can't get caught up on what it looks like I did a video recently I think it was yesterday or day before yesterday. Don't focus on outcome we got to focus on the assignment, what is the assignment? Or what is the goal? What is your desire? If your desire is to attract love, then you have to align your aura with that frequency of love. How do you align your with that frequency of love? By you letting go of expectations. The only obligations we have in this life is to live and learn, live and learn. That's the only obligations. Yes, we placed other titles on ourselves, such as friends or colleagues or spouses or parents, mother, father, whatever all of these different titles and roles, but that's not who we are. That's just ways our roles are just just other opportunities and methods of expressing who we are are in this physical reality but that's not ultimately who we are. So getting back to who we are, when it comes down to self love as it pertains to self love, make sure that you show yourself the love that you think you deserve. You got to let go of the past the past is history The future is mystery and today is a gift, which is why it's called the present. When I say let go of the past I'm not saying forget the past, because those who forget the past are condemned to repeat it, you see how I use these quotes to keep myself in line. So it's not that you forget the past, its that you allow yourself to be there and lean into that discomfort discover what truth is there for you in that experience. That's all that's true for you that whatever truth you discover that experience and then you move on, not harboring any unforgiveness in your heart and again define what forgiveness is forgiveness is to relinquish your desire to see the person that has caused you harm punish.
Harry Turner 50:50
So some other ways that you can love yourself is to treat yourself. You know treat yourself, well didn't have a good time with yourself you'd be surprised I don't think I could do it but once I started doing and I did I found my my soulmate my love soulmate, as it were, I honestly I had to adapt to even being around my love soulmate, you know, again, because I just enjoyed having so much time by myself and I still do, you know, begin to journal about your soulmate, you know, looking at those characteristics that you desire, this person that you want to be your love soulmate to be. And again, as you're looking at these values, because that's really what you're going to connect on, values. As you're looking at these values. Look at yourself, hold that mirror and ask yourself, How skillfully Am I practicing these values? Am I even aware that I have these values for this other individual that these other values that I desire, my my potential soulmate, or my future soulmate to have? And again, knowing that you will receive your soulmate instead of anxiously waiting or expecting - there's a difference, when you embody this confidence that this will happen.
Harry Turner 51:56
You see this the last thing I'll say, and I'll bring Nicole back in when it comes down to manifestation, thought word and deed, that's what this this, this is what we're talking about all of these things. When you align thought word and deed, then you move to manifestation. So thought, in a practical sense, I'm thinking I'm hungry right now. I'm gonna use a unhealthy example now, but still a relevant example. Thought word and deed. So thought, I think that I'm hungry. I'm thinking I'm hungry right now. Okay, what do you want a, okay, let's eat some garbage, lets eat some pizza. Choose a space Papa Johns, you know, they got a bunch of spaces I can choose, you know, Domino's, whatever. So I choose whichever my favorite one is. And then I do the D. So first, my mind was aligned with my stomach now. And we agree that we're going to place an order somewhere. So here's the deed, the doing is me calling that space. And then saying, I would like this and this and this, this special no, that's too much, give me the other special blah, blah, blah. And then I give them my credit card and my debit card and pay. That's the actions. That's the deed, thought word deed, I thought I was hungry, I thought about where I needed to where I want to eat. And then I chose to act on that by calling up this place. Now, after I spoke those words, again, we exactly what I wanted. Now, after I place my order, and I do the deed, thought word. Indeed, after I do all of that. I'm not sitting around waiting anxiously for my pizza to arrive. Because there's a certain level of confidence that that's going to be. Now being a former delivery driver when I was in grad school. I understand there's a lot of things that could happen along the way that does not get this person that could cause this person not to reach the destination being my home with my pizza, but I have a certain level of faith that that will be the case. And if that is not the case, I will I will re I will restructure things and respond accordingly. I'm not going to be like oh, I can't I just can't eat I had this had to be this way. No, I'm going to change my style and respond to that. Because the last thing I want to be at is a restaurant that can't feed me. Same thing with life. Thought word and deed areyour thoughts in alignment with your words, are your words in alignment, your thoughts and words, are they in alignment with your values, and are all three thought words and your actions are in alignment with who you are. Our values give us direction and our goals let us know it's like there's like little landmarks along the way. Lets us know that we are progressing. So are your thoughts words and deeds in alignment I can say I desire to have someone to love me. But if my thinking is I don't love me, they're not in alignment. This is why we're always bringing it right back returning love right back to self because you cannot you cannot not not intentionally manifest this amazing, incredible type of love and loving connections that you desire in your life if you're not feeding that to yourself. Last Last point I'll make is when I go downtown in my city, and I'm having a good time with myself. I notice that other people begin to come around me. And they begin to talk to me, strangers of various backgrounds. And I noticed a difference from those days where I chose to hit myself and I felt like insecure and I didn't want to be seen, I noticed that the more I love myself and the more I love spending time with myself, the more people are curious about why it is that I love spending time with my so this energy that they're sensing, and that pulls people in, they gravitate towards that, and they want to love on me too. They like he's looked like he's having a good time loving on himself. Maybe I'll have a good time if if I join in on the fun too. You know, and through doing that, I'm modeling for them how to love themselves, and how to let go of the nonsense. Nicole I've been running it for a minute, please jump on in here. I know I didn't pick up all the time. So article, we don't kill it, you got you got the rest of
Nicole Sublette 55:49
Yeah, so we only do have a minute left. So I want to thank everyone for showing up today. And taking time out of your day to be here. I think it's important to also recognize that we often think that what we want is other, or these things that are outside of us. And what it actually is, is that we're actually trying to manifest the emotion, the feeling and the experience that it gives us. And so for example, you know, if we want money, we want the feeling of freedom, or if we want love, we want the feeling experience of love. And so I'm just gonna end it there. And we can talk about it more next week is that its actually cultivating the emotion of what we want. And then we actually recognize that what we seek is actually not in other or outside of us that it's actually within us and has always been within us and so I'm going to end it there.
Harry Turner 56:40
Thank you all for showing up. I appreciate y'all Mad Love and respect.
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